WHO'S ON TOP?

Rock star Elton John, right, poses with his bride-top-be(?), 42 year old David Furbish

Once again the Lone Star State makes history.

Pop star Sir Elton John, who's knighting by Queen Elizabeth once again proves that inbreeding in the British Royal Family has gotten out of hand, announced his planned wedding to his partner of the past 11 years, 42 year old David Furbish just blocks away from the State Capital in Austin where the Texas House of Representatives had just passed a law making homosexual marriages illegal in Texas.

The union will be celebrated in the same marriage hall where Prince Charles recently legalized his latest adulterous affair.

It is unclear which homosexual role John will take in this marriage, top or bottom.

But it is a good bet he will be the bottom, based on his recent tour in China.

In Taiwan John threw a hissy fit coming through immigration, standing there wringing his hands and calling photographerers "vile insensitive pigs"

Reportedly the couple will be registered at Target and Queer Nation.

PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE IN 2057

President J.L. (KookKat) Washington, right, appears on Meet The Press with two of his cabinet members, Secretary of Defense C.K. (Cherry Bomb) Dutton, center, and Energy Department Secretary J.W. (Spike) Harley, left

In a dynamic interview on Meet the Press today, President J.L. (Kool Kat) Washington acknowledged that the nation is in for some rough economic sledding thanks to the ever increasing gasoline prices.

"I mean I talked to them dudes over in Energy," President Washington goes, "even invited them over to my crib for a session. You know what I'm saying?"

Energy Secretary Spike Harley elaborated on the increasing energy costs.

He goes..."Gas done hit 8 bucks a gallon and its gotta stop there. I can get a whole line of crack cheaper than I can fill up the gas tank -- you know what I'm saying?"

Defense Secretary C.K. (Cherry Bomb) Dutton announced the end of the war in Iraq.

He goes "those guys are coming home -- they'll be back in their crib by Thanksgiving."

First Ho Nancy (Shake That Booty) Parker hosted the Meet The Press Event at P.J.'s Gentlemens Club, using a select group of eight hootchies to help her.

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ONE MORE TIME -- BIG OIL

Please....please...someone explain to me how major oil companies are not robbing us blind.

Following the summer of 2001, nationwide gasoline prices dropped to a level of around a dollar a gallon.

They remained at this level, thereabouts, until January, 2004 with only slight ups and downs in the markets.

Then beginning in January of 2004 and continuing through September gas prices sky rocketed from $1.00 to $2.00 per gallon and more.

During this corresponding period of time profits and share prices at Mobil Exxon rose a whopping 43 percent.

Now if the price of crude oil is affecting the price we pay at the gas pump, how come it is not affecting the bottom line profit of the oil companies?

You can answer that question with two words -- price gouging.

The other day a guy in Dallas robbed a man at a service station gas pump. Police caught him a few minutes later and hauled him off to jail.

Each week one of the big oil companies robs me at a service station and the police do nothing.

Oil scarcity is one of the big problems causing today's high gas prices, we are told.

And today, a gallon of gas costs 38 cents a gallon more at the pump than it did a year ago.

But did you see the report issued the other day by the Department of Energy?

DOE figures show that America's stockpile of crude oil stands at 318.9 million barrels, up eight percent from this time last year. The gasoline stockpile is 211.6 million barrels, up five percent from a year ago.

Where is the shortage?

Two things the George Bush administration has miserably failed us in

1 -- Illegal immigration

2. -- Oil prices

I hate governement control in private industry, but the time has come for the feds to intervene and put a quietus on what big oil is doing to us

HOW SWEET IT IS

Those of us who still lament the passing of the Dallas Times-Hearld are getting a lot of satisfaction out of the dilemna the Dallas Mourning News is finding itself caught up in these days.

A year or so ago, if you will recall, Mourning News management confessed to "pumping up the books" -- issuing inflated circulation figures.

And there is no doubt in my mind they did this -- with malice aforethought.

I had subscribed to daily delivery of the Mourning News for years, at least after the demise of the Times-Herald, until finally I could no longer stomach their editorial policy nor there continuing failure to recognize that the Texas Rangers were a major league baseball team.

Nolan Ryan could pitch his seventh no hitter with little recognition -- but let a Dallas Cowboy eighth round draft choice get indigestion and it was all over Sports Day, complete with side bars.

In fact in recent years the Mourning News' Sports Day has become little more than a Jerry Jones shill sheet -- as well as an advocate for "homosexual rights."

So, on December 31, 2003, I cancelled my long standing subscription to the Mourning News.

To my chagrin, I received a copy January 1, 2004, as well as every day thereafter this past year. I dutifully picked it up each morning and dumped it in the trash so the home owners association would not get up in arms about a cluttered front yard.

The only difference was -- I never received a bill for it. No quarterly bill, no phone calls as to why I wasn't paying for my cancelled subscription -- nothing.

Then in January of this year I received a statement from the Mourning News -- for three months fee covering the first quarter of 2005. Just like I had been paying for it all along and had no past due balance.

I returned the statement to them, along with a brief note of explanation that I had cancelled this subscription back in '03 and did not want their paper. Whoever opened this letter at the Mourning News office evidently could understand basic English and I no longer get that junk in my front yard.

Now the Mourning News is being investigated by Dallas County's district attorney -- as well as the Securities and Exchange Commission for wrong doing. Circulation is nosediving, reportedly down 13 per cent on Sunday and 9 percent during the week.

Serves the bums right.

REALITY CHECK

This woman cares more about a Polar Bear in Alaska than she does you.

Chances are in the next presidential election this woman is going to ask you to vote for her for president of the United States.

Before you do remember one thing -- she has more regard for the polar bears, carribou and elk in Alaska than she has for you.

If the current energy bill pases the House as is expected, Senator Hillary Clinton will lead a group of Senate Democrats in an effort to defeat this bill at all costs. And their underlying, stated reason is the effect it will have on the wild life in the future -- along with the fact that it will not help future generations in America.

Now tell me, which is more important to you...

The Alaskan wild life or the price gouged cost of a gallon of gas?

The economy of future generations or being able to purchase price-gouged prescription medications you have to take to live and price gouged food, brought on by the inflated oil prices?

I am all for providing for the future -- but not at the cost of scuttling the present

I think polar bears are cute -- but not at the cost of bankruptcy

Folks, it is time for a reality check

If the Democratic Party is the party of the people, then I must be an alien.

So in about three and a half years -- when Queen Hillary asks you to vote for her

Remember -- in her eyesight you are lower than wildlife

Then vote accordingly

RANGERS FORSAKE YOUTH MOVEMENT IN PITCHING

Chris Young, youngest Ranger starter at 25

For some reason the Texas Rangers are still reluctant to take young pitching prospects and put them on the mound and leave them there to sink or swim like Los Angeles and Oakland are.

Last night the Rangers were beaten by Oakland, a team that traded off two front line starters they could not afford. Dan Haren, a newcomer at the ripe old age of 24, bested 32 year old Chan Ho Park in that game.

This season, looking at the five man rotation of each team in the American League West, Oakland has the youngest rotation, 24.8 years old. This is made up of Rich Harden (23), Dan Haren (24), Joe Blanton (24), Kirk Saarloon (26), and the old grizzly veteran Barry Zito (27).

The Los Angeles Angels are next at 29.6 years. Their rotation consists of Kevin Gregg (26), John Lackey (26), Jarrod Washburn (30), Bartolo Colon (32) and Paul Byrd (34).

Texas is a sad third with a rotation age of 32 -- hardly considered a youth movement. Chris Young, at 25, is the youngest starter. He is followed by Ryan Drese (29), Chan Ho Park (32), Pedro Astacio (35) and Kenny Rogers (40).

Seattle is oldest in the West at 32. Gil Meche and Joel Pineiro are the youngsters at age 26, followed by Ryan Franklin (32), Aaron Sele (34) and Jamie Moyer (42).

Oakland management has the knack of putting young players on the field and letting them sink or swim. If they swim they become a permanent fixture until the threat of free agency prices them out of competition. Then they get traded and replaced by a rookie.

But everytime the Rangers audition a new player -- especially a pitcher -- the go to the mound under the threat of one bad pitch and they are going back to the minors.

Doug Davis and Danny Kolb were two who tried to make the grade with the Rangers but repeatedly got bounced back after one good outing. Davis is now a prime starter for Milwaukee and the Atlanta Braves just traded for Kolb to be their closer.

Young pitchers are going to mess up and get bombed -- but given the chance a lot of them will survive it.

If you don't believe it, go back and look at the career records of a couple of guys named Sandy Koufax and Nolan Ryan and see what they did their first three years -- and then compare it to what they did the rest of the time.

MOBIL-EXXON -- THE NEWEST ROBBER-BARON

Meet Lee Raymond, chairman and chief executive of Mobil-Exxon.

Lee is the man who is enjoying the profits of those high prices you are trying to pay at the gas pump.

Because of record breaking profits, Mobil-Exxon has announced it has paid Raymond $7.5 million this past year in salary and bonuses.

Then Mobil-Exxon padded it with a $28 million stock grant to Lee and capped it off with $2.6 million in "other compensation" and "incentives."

Tell me, what kind of incentives do you need after just being handed $35.5 million for one years work?

The only thing I can think of is giving him an even greater incentive to gouge our pocket books even more than he had this year.

Today's lesson is in spelling so pay close attention.

Price gouging is spelled thusly...

M-o-b-i-l hyphen E-x-x-o-n

The company's website explains that among other things, Lee is being rewarded for "robust returns in world wide exploration."

I think they really meant "world wide exploitation."

BANK OF AMERICA - A COMEDY OF ERRORS

I would have more respect for this money grubbing company if they were a robber who held me up at gun point than the way they actually did me.

Each month in Bank of America's online banking and bill payment I go in and pay my mortgage payment on the second Wednesday of each month.

I do this because that is the date my social security check is deposited.

It takes two days for an electronic transfer to be posted to my mortgage company account from the day it was sent.

Monday, April 11, while I was doing my regular online banking and went to the bill payment page where I scheduled my mortgage payment to be made Wednesday, April 13, and was told it would be posted on April 15,

Today, when I opened my account online I discovered that I was overdrawn by more than $200 -- Bank of America had made the payment April 11.

I immediately called online bill paying at Bank of America customer service. The only agent I could talk to did not even know how the Bank of America online bill paying system worked.

He kept babbling that if I scheduled the payment to be made April 13 that it would have to have been deducted April 11 to reach the mortgage company I tried to tell him I did not schedule the payment to reach them April 13 -- rather to be made (deducted from my account) on April 13.

So he transferred me to online banking customer service. The bottom line from that representative was that according to "what she could see" I had scheduled the payment for April 11.

So any checks that come in today will have a hefty service charge connected to them -- if indeed the bank honors them and does not send them back -- as well as a service charge on the mortgage payment they supposedly accepted knowing I didn't have the money to cover it.

I admit, being a senior citizen, I do have "senior" moments. But not senior enough to schedule an online payment knowing that the money would not be deposited to my account for two more days.

If on April 11 I had walked into any branch of Bank of America and tried to cash a check for the amount of my mortgage payment -- the teller would have refused it.

Yet they accepted the same thing online.

Over the past few years Bank of America has weeded out any older employees who might know something about banking and replaced them with younger people at half the salary and a fraction of the fringe benefits.

I have a sister-in-law who was a senior vice president with more than 20 years service.

She was terminated in a "reduction of force" manuever.

And she received a year's severance pay -- along with all benefits.

Provided that she signed a letter swearing not to sue Bank of America for age discrimination for at least five years.

If you doubt this, walk into any branch of Bank of America and look at the personnel on duty.

You can't be sure whether you should give the teller a check to cash or pick her up and burp her.

Better yet, call Bank of America customer service -- and keep calling until you find a representative who sounds like he or she can speak and understand basic English.

Just be sure you have plenty of time to spare that day.

My bottom line advice is --

If Bank of America is your only choice of banks to put your money in...put it in a big Folgers can and bury it in the back yard.

It's going to be a lot safer.